5 Drink Designs that Should Have Been Poured Down the Sink.

Since water is no longer the new black (in terms of beverage fashion), manufacturers have been trying to develop alternative fluids that will stimulate and quench the public thirst for potable excitement. We’ve all gone mad over SodaStream and Kombucha; we’ve universally rejected the Thanksgiving Dinner Soda. Maybe we need a beverage container that is as delicious as a sweet, sweet homemade Mountain Dew.

Unfortunately, not all beverage containers thrill the mind and please the soul. The following beverage container designs, conceived by truly malevolent packaging design companies, are examples of the very low esteem to which these brands hold the general public. We will go ahead and believe that some of these containers were merely misguided; others might have resulted from the ingestion of powerful narcotics. Whatever the case may have been, we shudder to think what was going on in the development meetings. We’re looking at you, Billy Boy Energy Drink.

Kirkland Milk Jug

Please, enjoy some wholesome, USDA certified milk, secure in the knowledge that we are not trying to pour you a glass of motor oil, even though the packaging would have you believe so.

This drink design was meant to economize the transport of gallon jugs of milk; it allows for transporting and storing more units than the traditional design. However, the shallow cap is difficult to grip, the bottle can’t be poured without risk of spilling a significant amount of liquid, and it is hideously unappealing. A triple threat!

Billy Boy Energy Drink

Mercy. The less said about this, the better. Nonetheless, what exactly is this drink meant to energize?

Zola Acai

Fools that we are, we assumed that acai fruit offers physical health benefits through antioxidant compounds. It turns out that it is actually a magic elixir that summons mystical cheetahs and samba-dancing vixens that rip the impurities right out of your tissues. Live and learn.

Zola Acai Power Juice is, we’re sure, a wonderful product, lovingly prepared and filled with only the finest ingredients. And we’re not just saying that because we have succumbed to the supernatural psychic powers of the woman on the logo. We hear and obey.

Cellstar Superfruit Juice

Why do ostensibly healthy fruit juice manufacturers go for the most artificial packaging concepts ever? Do they want to fool the public into thinking they are drinking pure high fructose corn syrup flavored Ethyl methylphenylglycidate?

This drink design concept, with its little muscle-bound pomegranate seed logo, promises abundant anti-aging properties and immune system-strengthening ingredients. Bizarre, since the toddler market to whom it is clearly appealing is less concerned with aging than it is with the mastery of Hi-Ho Cherry-o.

Bottle Fruit Juice

We sincerely don’t know what this even is. Nevertheless, the product description insists that it is, in fact, a fruit juice, which we imagine is sourced from only the freshest, hand-squeezed bubble gum fruit.

In addition to bubble gum fruit juice, this manufacturer also offers “Barbie Candy and Gums,” “Choco Music Candy,” “Biggest Cup Jelly,” and “Dip Biscuit.” According to the distributor’s description, these products “are available in different flavors and are prepared hygienically by maintaining the nutritional value.” Willy Wonka better watch his back.

There you have it; some of our favorite hideous beverage container designs. So, what have we learned today? We learned that an ideal drink design will convey the actual drinkability of the product and not try to fool the consumer into believing it contains an industrial solvent. We learned that nothing says health and wellness like a salivating cheetah, ready to spring. We learned that the designers for the Billy Boy Energy Drink can are probably on some public menace registry. Most importantly, we learned that “Dip Biscuit” would be a great name for a prog-rock band.

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